Michael Jackson is LEGEND

Even if you tried to make up someone like Michael Jackson, unless they possessed super powers of some kind, it would be next to impossible to beat his legend. How many alleged pedophilic, popstar, color changing, boy/men, face changing, money burning, greatest selling, high voiced, creepy father, prolific dancer, world legends are there? I'm thinking not a lot.

He can sing and dance and song write. He loves to grab his crotch. The man changed his entire color. And his face. And he had a monkey. And has been cited as a pop musical influence more than anyone. And has been accused of raping kids. Twice! And in general comes off as a weird freak show who makes his kids wear masks around town. And he's been on fire! And he has the highest selling album of all time. And he's been in fake marriages with women, with some of the most cringe inducing PDA of all time. You can't get more strange or legendary than this. What would it take to top all the weird shit he's done, had done to him or done to others? I'm drawing a blank.

If he had just been a normal guy who wrote a bunch of really popular songs and did some awesome dance moves and sold a bunch of records without the kids and the plastic surgery and the craziness and the creepiness and the strangeness would people still be so interested in him? Did his complete and total meltdown with full media coverage make him the legend he is today? Without all that would he just be another interesting anecdote of our childhood, like Saved by the Bell or Trapper Keepers? Would we be so enthralled if the legend didn't come with the freak show attached?

Dudes Checking out Other Dudes

I have a guy friend who will remain nameless but is generally a pain in the ass if that's any indication about who he is. He claims that he can't tell when another guy is good looking.

How is this possible? I not only can tell when another woman is good looking but have ranked her hotness (in comparison to me) within the first five seconds of meeting. It seems biologically impossible that you can't tell the difference between Brad Pitt or Jack Black. Isn't it instinctual to be able to tell if some dude is going to be pulling in the ladies, while you're stuck scooping up his sloppy seconds? As a man can you tell if other guys are attractive? Or do guys just not notice that stuff, much like color coordination or where the hamper is located.

Stay off Drugs

If y

If you really want to get kids off drugs you should just show them Requiem for a Dream. Hey kids, if you do drugs you’re gonna end up doing anal with a fellow stripper and a dildo.

That movie still gives me nightmares. Thanks, Darren.

A Conversation with Benj- John Mayer Edition

Benj- How the hell does John Mayer get so many women? Is his sperm laced with cocaine or something?

ME- No, it’s laced with gentle romantic crooning.

Benj- No seriously. Cameron, Jennifer, the ghost whispering Jennifer, Drew- did he date Drew? She dates so many dudes I'm not sure. Jessica, the love of my life Minka Kelly. I mean these women have to realize he's a tool right?

ME- That's what all guys say. It's like every guy thinks John Mayer is a tool.

Benj- That's because he is! He is the toolbox of tools. He is the place all tools go to rest. Yet still all these hot, famous women go out with him. You have to know they can do better. Except for Jessica Simpson, even though her boobs are totally crazy.

ME- He sings romantic love songs about your body and how it's a wonderland. Women dig that.

Benj- But he's an overgrown frat boy who thinks he's funny but he's not funny! Not even a little. How can singing MAKE UP FOR THAT?

ME- You're gonna pop a blood vessal.

Benj- That's it. I have got to learn the guitar.

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Suicidal Embarrassment

What would be worse- people thinking you killed yourself or that you accidentally died while jerking yourself off? It's like the ultimate Sophie's choice.

Never. . .

Marry a guy with the last name Peterson, it will probably up your chances of being murdered by like 200%.

5 Signs You Might Be Bad at Hitting on People

1. People say you’re bad at hitting on people.

2. Unwilling victims will hide in horror and whisper ‘oh sweet Jesus Christ, no, please god no,’ when they see you coming, even though you were just going to the bathroom.

3. You think masturbation is a good opener.

4. You end up getting slapped, hit, kicked, punched or otherwise molested. And not in a good way.

5. It ends in sex- for the person who manages to rescue them from you.

Worst Thing You Can Call Someone. . .

is a child molester. I dare you to come up with something better.