ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY LISTENS TO ME

So I was perusing the interwebs and I realized that a suggestion I made back in July that Dorm Life should be included on EW's Must List was added to the website. I should pick out all their entertainment musts from now on.

READER'S CHOICE: INTERNET
WEB SERIES DORM LIFE
It keeps getting better and better and it's honestly better than The Office right now. —Ddontdate

Notice how awesome I am at constructing a sentence? I used the word better three times! That's good writin'.

You're welcome Dorm Life. As my reward I would like to make out with Mike. He's adorable. Or maybe even Marshall, I have a weird thing for dictatorial douchebags on a power trip.

http://attentionspanmedia.com/asmblog/2009/07/13/dorm-life-on-last-weeks-entertainment-weekly-must-list/

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20209564_20209587_20288725,00.html

Choose Your Own Adventure

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Much like Oregon Trail, Saved By the Bell, the Sweet Valley Twins books and the Speak and Spell, the Choose Your Own Adventure books were a fond part of childhood.

Did anyone else have the Christian Choose Your Own Adventure book which instead of picking which castle door you went through you were always deciding if you should or should not have sex with dudes?

My mom got us a book when I was in jr. high called He Gave Her Roses (because girls, roses are an insidious weapon for boys to get into your pants) in which Stacy would go around making life decisions that basically just involved boys and sex. Apparently Stacy never had to pick a career or decide where to go to college. She just had to decide if she wanted to do it without birth control.

The great thing about Stacy was whenever you decided she should have sex something bad always happened to her. Either she got knocked up, or was subjected to vicious rumors or was scarred emotionally FOR LIFE. Stacy couldn't catch a break whenever her vagina was in action. Even if Stacy was in a committed relationship with her loving boyfriend and decided to do it the sex actually tore their relationship apart. Years later she'd have to relate to her daughter how sex had ruined everything. There was never an adventure where Stacy does it, nothing happens and she moves on with her life. Not so fast, Stacy.

That book was like a horror movie where you knew something bad was behind the door but you always chose to have the sex anyway. And then up would pop the monster. Pregnancy! Regret! Shame! Emotional Scarring! Disrespect! God Now Hates You! Everyone Hates You! You Are Now An Evil Slutface!

But if Stacy decided to Just Say No, there was always love and lollipops around the next corner. Boys liked and respected her more. She was a better person. Jesus glowed in her heart. Stacy never regretted not doing it. There was never an adventure where Stacy said no and then never had a chance to do it again and her vagina dried up and fell off. Or Stacy never declined her high school boyfriend and then realized she should have just gotten it over with instead of searching constantly for The One. Oh no. Every time Stacy refused penis only good things happened. Penis was Stacy's kryptonite. I'm surprised there wasn't an adventure where Stacy has sex and then promptly gets run over by a bus because she has SHAMED GOD. There probably was one and I'm just blocking it out.

Strangely I miss that book. It's nice to know when you're not getting any that someone somewhere is being punished for doing it.

I found it on Amazon! Oh happy day.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0931529921/sr=1-1/qid=1255683945/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1255683945&sr=1-1&seller=

Me vs. the One Upper- Pictures

As you can see I'm not a huge fan of her pasty ass. Mostly because she has to turn everything into a competition and I can't help but 'Hulk' out when I'm around her.

D Don't Date Ep. 1- D and the Dry Spell

Click to Play

After a dating dry spell, D is ready to get back into the game. The only problem is she sucks at it- badly.

Top 10 Excuses for No New D Don't Date Episode

Okay, so there won’t be a new D Don’t Date episode this month. But we have a good excuse or ten of them. Please choose your favorite and just run with it.

10. We rented our camera out to a low rent porn company. Anything to help bring more amateur porn into the world.

9. Benj used to be a “special” visitor to Neverland Ranch so he took Michael Jackson’s death pretty hard.

8. My landlord wouldn’t let me pay my rent in gummy bears.

7. I wasn’t loved enough as a child, so now I have commitment issues.

6. My chia pet died. So that was rough.

5. I got caught up in the back to school sale madness.

4. Fred Claus has been repeating on HBO.

3. You know why.

2. We were getting our wisdom teeth pulled just like Mischa Barton.

1. I was too busy with all the sex. (Don’t ask me who. Alright, it was Jesus.)

The 4 Worst Facebook Updaters

Facebook Updates. That wonderful creature that let’s you know when your aunt is having a burrito or your friend has finally lanced that boil.

But there are those Facebook friends that insist on using the Facebook Updates for evil. Here are the four types of Facebook updaters that are most annoying. Are you one of them?

1. Passive Aggressive Patty- this person uses Facebook as a secret tool to get back at their unseen frenemies. Their status updates go something like this- ‘How is it possible for someone to chew so loud?’, ‘Why is it so hard for people to put the toilet seat down?’ or ‘I can’t believe some people would stab me in the back and embarrass me, I would never do that to a friend.’ It’s brillant because instead of going to someone and letting them know that something they did bothers you, you can post a cryptic message about them on Facebook so everyone else can know that they pissed you off! And it’s awesome that you left out the name so everyone just has to guess! You can be both bitter and vague at the same time. Then you can wait to see if that person reads your status updates and feels the public shame for what they have done. Because they should. Oh yes, they should.

2. Downer Debby- This person doesn’t need a special secret someone to be mad at, they have the entire world! ‘Why does life suck so much?’ ‘Why is everything so awful?’ or they just use their alloted time to bitch about whatever’s on your mind. ‘Work sucks- again.’ ‘My husband is a dick.’ Or ‘God, people are stupid.’ Everyone can have a bad day but Downer Debby always has bad days and she wants everyone on Facebook to know about it! Instead of medicating like she probably should (Debby either you’re depressed or an asshole, which is it?) she uses the Facebook wall as therapy.

3. Trudy and Troy True Love- everyone knows this couple. They love each other. Like a lot. So much that they have to tell each other- a lot. And they could never just email or text or god forbid call the person to let them know. They need to express their love- on Facebook. Just in case you didn’t know they love each other. And miss each other if they haven’t hung out since lunch. And they need to let each other know how hot the other one is. Via Facebook. Because their love is REAL. And no one has ever loved like they LOVED, in the history of everything. And everyone on Facebook must know. Because it’s just not the same when you say it to someone’s face. Or in private.

4. Vague Velma- this combines the passive aggressive magic of number one with the life’s a bitch mentality of number two! Vague Velma has bad things happen- but she wants you to guess what they are. ‘Today has been a nightmare.’, ‘It’s so awful what happened,’ ‘Work was awful today.’ These updates allow everyone to crowd around and be like ‘what’s wrong?,’ ‘what happened?’ It’s like sharing your problems with 200 of your closest friends. And making them guess what they are. And then when you feel people have expressed the proper amount of concern you can let them know about that killer speeding ticket that’s really got you down today. Harrah! Group back pats for everyone.

Did your Facebook updates make the list? Did I leave someone off? Discuss in the comments.

John Hughes

Forget Michael Jackson. The man who shaped my childhood was John Hughes. Jackson may have had a monkey, best selling records and the nation’s attention but did he make it okay to give your panties to a geek? Did he write and direct some of the best teen movies ever and in my opinion some of the best movies ever, period? Did he turn Molly Ringwald from a regular girl to a popular girl to an independently not popular girl? Could he make it somehow okay to want to date Eric Stultz?

John Hughes made five teens sitting in detention over the course of one day into the best teen movie ever. From the Breakfast Club (my favorite), Weird Science, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Some Kind of Wonderful and Pretty in Pink (not my favorite) he dominates the list of great teen movies.

John Hughes with you goes some of my childhood, endlessly quoting the Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, (does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?). But that’s not really true. You may be gone but your movies are still hanging in there. Every time I need a happy ending, I know where to go.

Todd Sullivan- You’re a Closet Gay and Our 7 Minutes in Heaven Proves It

Todd Sullivan now I know why you wouldn't do seven minutes in heaven with me at Missy Parker’s birthday party- obviously you prefer dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But to make me think it was somehow my fault you didn’t want to make out? That’s just not right.

Recently I realized, after a rather ego debilitating encounter with a former college crush, that if a man doesn’t want to sleep with me, it’s probably because he’s gay.

And that goes for you too, Toddy. All these years I thought it might have been me but it’s really you. It wasn’t because I ‘weirdly talked to myself’ and ‘smelled like your grandma’s medicine cabinet.’ Does your grandma’s medicine cabinet smell awesome? Let’s face it Todd, a truly horny 14 year old boy would never allow those things to get in the way of coping a feel. You had the chance to go to second base and you missed out, fool! And I think we all know why.

Even though your Facebook page says married and in your wedding pictures that person does not look like a dude but a rather attractive woman, (willowy and blond Todd, way to go for the obvious choice) who are we kidding, really? (Ya, I saw it okay. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with people that I’m friends with if you want to keep these things from my prying eyes).

By 8^th grade I was about as developed as I was gonna get and you didn’t want a piece? Vaguely improbable. Mr. Bartell, the slighty sweaty English teaching assistant offered to buy me beer and it wasn’t because of my deep insights on Catcher in the Rye, okay? For the love of god Todd, did you think the crotch snaps on my body suits were comfortable? Yet I snapped those buttons shut everyday. Do you think it’s easy to make your bangs the perfect amount of fluffiness? Did I apply three shades of blue tint eye shadow for my health, Todd? No, I did all of those things to drive you to distraction, to make you wild for me.

And yet there we were, Missy Parker’s damp smelling downstairs storage basement, my lips perfectly greased up with Bonne Belle lip gloss (cherry) and you can’t even be bothered to try out a minute of the seven we should have spent groping each other in the dark. We just had to stand there, my body suit digging into my crotch. And later on when you went to the closet with Mindy Gainer and she came out all bitch ass smug face and a little red I knew you guys had probably just choreographed that so it looked like you were a stud.

I so would have let you get to second base too. I totally denied it when Scott Torino told everyone that I allowed him to ‘massage my fun bags’ but I’m a big fat liar because yes I did! Twice. Take that Todd. Take it all.

So anyway way to make me have to destroy all those perfectly nice doodles I did of ‘Mrs. Todd Sullivan, Mrs. D Sullivan, Mrs. D Toddy Sullivan’ ripped from my notebook into little pieces. I hope you’re happy.

Let’s stop pretending and just get out with it. You’re wife is not ‘the shining star in your life’ (you’re making it too easy Todd) as you claim but a fancy decoy. The truth will set you free. Do it for the future children Todd. And for the decency and respect of your wife, who in all honesty kind of looks like an uptight bitch. I can see these things through photos, Todd. Even if she’s crabby she still doesn’t deserve a gay husband.

A Little Relaxation

Dude, after a long day there's nothing I like better then going home, settling into my big fake fur blanket and chillin' in the buff with my booties and knit hat.

10 Signs You Might be a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

So you’ve broken up with a guy- maybe for the first time, maybe for the third time or maybe it’s just the third Thursday of the month and like clock work you’re calling it quits. In your heightened state of upset it’s hard to tell what’s right (moping), what’s wrong (setting fire to his clothes- while he’s wearing them), what’s normal (crying) and what isn’t (crying after having sex with his best friend and cousin in a twisted revenge threeway.)

Just to help give you a little guide to see where you fall on the Crazy Ex-Scale which runs from best ex ever to boiling bunnies, I have a handy list of 10 Signs You Might be a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The more you check off the more you should think about therapy.

1. You just happen to have his password after an intense monitoring program of his keystrokes and you think ‘checking’ his email to see if any other girls have contacted him is perfectly acceptable.
2. That includes checking all his social networking- Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and any other random site he’s on. (this is only half a point because even the most normal ex-girlfriend can’t help but look. But a full point if you check them more than three times a day or 20 times a week.)
3. You talk about what an a-hole your ex is so much that everyone knows every last tiny minutia of your break up, including your best friend, mother, his mother, your boss, co-workers, his co-workers, fellow gym members, your yoga instructor, that Indian guy at the Kwik Shop who doesn’t speak English so good but still ducks behind the counter when you come in and the smiley kid who gives you your coffee every morning but now acts like he’s deaf.
4. A really bad Lifetime movie could be made about you- where Dean Cain plays your ex-boyfriend and Tori Spelling is the new girlfriend and Tina Yothers plays you and ends up struggling with Tori over a knife on a balcony and Tina falls over the balcony and dies, ending in a final hugging scene between Tori and Dean while Tori is wrapped in a blanket with cop lights flashing behind her.
   
5. You told him you were pregnant, just to see him sweat. And then you forget it's a lie and started buying baby clothes. You keep drinking though.
   
6. His friends refer to you as 'that crazy bitch,' 'psycho', 'psycho whore face,' 'whoretron,''bitchtastic slutty boots,' or a combination of any of the following - psycho, crazy, stalker, stalker bitch, mentally deranged, certifiable and creepy.
   
7. No one finds that video you posted on YouTube of you repeatedly stabbing a voodoo doll of him funny. Obviously they just don't 'get' your sense of humor.
   
8. There was something about a restraining order but it was hard to tell if that guy was joking or not when he served you papers. He was kind of smirking.
9. Your boyfriend's new girlfriend has been known to hide under her car with her pepper spray out when she sees you coming. But that bitch is crazy.
   
10. Showing up in his bed naked didn't quite turn out the way you expected.
    

Michael Jackson is LEGEND

Even if you tried to make up someone like Michael Jackson, unless they possessed super powers of some kind, it would be next to impossible to beat his legend. How many alleged pedophilic, popstar, color changing, boy/men, face changing, money burning, greatest selling, high voiced, creepy father, prolific dancer, world legends are there? I'm thinking not a lot.

He can sing and dance and song write. He loves to grab his crotch. The man changed his entire color. And his face. And he had a monkey. And has been cited as a pop musical influence more than anyone. And has been accused of raping kids. Twice! And in general comes off as a weird freak show who makes his kids wear masks around town. And he's been on fire! And he has the highest selling album of all time. And he's been in fake marriages with women, with some of the most cringe inducing PDA of all time. You can't get more strange or legendary than this. What would it take to top all the weird shit he's done, had done to him or done to others? I'm drawing a blank.

If he had just been a normal guy who wrote a bunch of really popular songs and did some awesome dance moves and sold a bunch of records without the kids and the plastic surgery and the craziness and the creepiness and the strangeness would people still be so interested in him? Did his complete and total meltdown with full media coverage make him the legend he is today? Without all that would he just be another interesting anecdote of our childhood, like Saved by the Bell or Trapper Keepers? Would we be so enthralled if the legend didn't come with the freak show attached?

Dudes Checking out Other Dudes

I have a guy friend who will remain nameless but is generally a pain in the ass if that's any indication about who he is. He claims that he can't tell when another guy is good looking.

How is this possible? I not only can tell when another woman is good looking but have ranked her hotness (in comparison to me) within the first five seconds of meeting. It seems biologically impossible that you can't tell the difference between Brad Pitt or Jack Black. Isn't it instinctual to be able to tell if some dude is going to be pulling in the ladies, while you're stuck scooping up his sloppy seconds? As a man can you tell if other guys are attractive? Or do guys just not notice that stuff, much like color coordination or where the hamper is located.

Stay off Drugs

If y

If you really want to get kids off drugs you should just show them Requiem for a Dream. Hey kids, if you do drugs you’re gonna end up doing anal with a fellow stripper and a dildo.

That movie still gives me nightmares. Thanks, Darren.

A Conversation with Benj- John Mayer Edition

Benj- How the hell does John Mayer get so many women? Is his sperm laced with cocaine or something?

ME- No, it’s laced with gentle romantic crooning.

Benj- No seriously. Cameron, Jennifer, the ghost whispering Jennifer, Drew- did he date Drew? She dates so many dudes I'm not sure. Jessica, the love of my life Minka Kelly. I mean these women have to realize he's a tool right?

ME- That's what all guys say. It's like every guy thinks John Mayer is a tool.

Benj- That's because he is! He is the toolbox of tools. He is the place all tools go to rest. Yet still all these hot, famous women go out with him. You have to know they can do better. Except for Jessica Simpson, even though her boobs are totally crazy.

ME- He sings romantic love songs about your body and how it's a wonderland. Women dig that.

Benj- But he's an overgrown frat boy who thinks he's funny but he's not funny! Not even a little. How can singing MAKE UP FOR THAT?

ME- You're gonna pop a blood vessal.

Benj- That's it. I have got to learn the guitar.

Technorati Profile

Suicidal Embarrassment

What would be worse- people thinking you killed yourself or that you accidentally died while jerking yourself off? It's like the ultimate Sophie's choice.

Never. . .

Marry a guy with the last name Peterson, it will probably up your chances of being murdered by like 200%.

5 Signs You Might Be Bad at Hitting on People

1. People say you’re bad at hitting on people.

2. Unwilling victims will hide in horror and whisper ‘oh sweet Jesus Christ, no, please god no,’ when they see you coming, even though you were just going to the bathroom.

3. You think masturbation is a good opener.

4. You end up getting slapped, hit, kicked, punched or otherwise molested. And not in a good way.

5. It ends in sex- for the person who manages to rescue them from you.

Worst Thing You Can Call Someone. . .

is a child molester. I dare you to come up with something better.

WTF- Facebook Edition

Just saw on Facebook that you can become a fan of 'I LOVE Being a Parent!' Much like the 'I Love My Mom' group this could quite possibly the most pointless group ever. Now if you joined a group called 'I Want to Throw my Little Bastard off a Cliff' that would be something. Ya, child services my pay you a visit but at least you're saying something.

I will continue to fight these stupid pointless Facebook groups until real change is enacted or until I get bored.

Of Friends and Rapists

One of my guy friends is staying with me for a few days and it makes me feel a lot safer when I go to bed at night knowing he’s out there on the couch. Before I'd sometimes have problems sleeping, worrying about rapists and murderers. But now I feel safe knowing if a rapist does come in, he’s gonna see my friend and while he’s trying to rape him I can run out the back door and escape.

Conversations with Benj- Midget Sex Edition

BENJ- How short are you willing to go?

ME- What?

BENJ- In a man. How short can a guy be before you refuse
to date him?

ME- I don’t have a number on file.

BENJ- Oh so you’d sleep with midgets.

ME- I don’t know any midgets but maybe.

BENJ- What if the midget was the size of a baby?

ME- That’s not possible, a. And b you’re creepy.

BENJ- Okay say he’s a regular sized midget. What would it take?
He's got it all, great car, sense of humor, wonderful personality,
fantastic in the sack. Would that be enough?

ME- Uh,

BENJ- Like what if he could do other things? That Mini Me guy gets
a ton of girls and I heard it’s because he has a special skill.

ME- Don’t want to hear it.

BENJ- I heard that he can stand right underneath a girl and
work his fists-

ME- For the love of god, did you not hear DON’T want to hear it?

BENJ- I’m just saying that’s not something you see everyday.
Doesn’t it make you curious? It’d be like doll hands
working up in there.

ME- You and your weird fascination with midget sex.

BENJ- I’m a man of many interests.

Facebook the Obvious

There's a group on Facebook that you can join called 'I Love My Mom.' Thank god there's a Facebook group you can join or else who would know that you love your mom? Could a more obvious group have been formed? How about starting a group called 'I Sleep in a Bed,' or 'I've Seen an Episode of American Idol,' or 'I Wear Underwear.' Or 'I Love to State the Obvious.'

Now if someone started a Facebook group called 'I Hate My Evil Skank Whore of a Mother' that's something. You may look like a crazy, ungrateful brat but at least you're making a statement.

For the record I love my mother, who is not at all a skank whore but a very sweet lady who used to make me high fat baked goods and send me Valentine's cards with money in it. Two things that will endear me to you for life, whether or not you gave birth to me. Although that helps too.

COMPLIMENTS?

Everyone at work today told me how nice I looked. Not just that but they did it with a note of surprise in their voice, like 'you look nice today?' Almost as if they never believed it could actually happen. A few of my favorite compliments of the day:

1. Wow, you look showered!
2. You don't look tired, have you been catching up on your sleep?

These are actual compliments I received. So pretty much everyone at work thinks I'm an unshowered meth addict who doesn't sleep. They didn't say meth addict but it was implied. Who knew that 'you look showered' could be a compliment. I'm here to tell you it can .

In other news I may need to look for a new job soon.

Dude, really?

If you want to say, cheat on your girlfriend, it's not really a good idea to try to pick up on another girl when she's, like, 10 FEET AWAY. For the love of god, please at least wait until she's in the bathroom or something. Just a helpful hint.

Sexual Camel

For the past year or so, besides the, you know, urinating part, my vagina has been mostly for decoration. It’s like one of those fancy attachments on the vacuum that never gets used. I mean you would use it, if there was a call for it, like if someone actually turned on the vacuum and started cleaning you might attach that sucker and go to town. Sadly no one has gotten near my vacuum in quite some time. Had I known the last time I had sex was going to be THE LAST TIME I HAD SEX, I might have appreciated it a little more. Baked my ass a cake to celebrate. If I knew Blockbuster guy – good old what’s his face would have been my last time (and I don’t feel I’m being too dramatic here when I say- EVER) I would have cherished the moments. Probably would have learned his last name at least. Or his first name correctly. Although when you say like a year why do people get all ‘damn’ like you just told them you don’t wash your hands after going to the bathroom or that your mother is also your half sister. Am I just supposed to be randomly hooking up to make sure that my numbers stay balanced? Are other single people running out to do it every two months just so they don’t look pathetic? Do they have a speed dial of booty calls on stand by that I’m unaware of?

Not that I haven’t been out on dates. There have been dates. Bad, bad dates. Note to guys- S&M should not be brought up as a fun after dinner activity on the first date. That’s better suited for a fourth, possibly third date. And only after you’ve tested the waters. Ask if she likes leather. Maybe point to a dog collar and say ‘that’s an attractive accessory.’ Only if she agrees that leather is awesome and dog collars look good on anyone should you try to inch your way towards bondage. Just a friendly tip.

Also it’s not cool to comment on how much a girl can ‘pack away.’ Or saying that ‘you eat more then I do.’ Maybe you should eat something besides a salad with a light vinagerette, bitch. At least order some real dressing. Besides who cares if I can eat all my dinner and dessert? Are you trying to give me an eating disorder? Because honestly it’s not gonna work, I hate puking and going without a meal is not an option. Still, it’s annoying.

I’m beginning to feel like one of those sad Lifetime ladies, you know who I’m talking about. Not the ones who find out their husband is a secret psycho killer or who get some obscure law about jaywalkers passed because a jaywalker killed their grandma or whose daughter is a teenage pregnant hussie. The new Lifetime ladies, the forty year old dried up women who is just pathetic because she is MANLESS and ALONE but manages to get her mojo back by dating some age inappropriate hottie (even though it kind of looks like they just remade that Stella Grove movie except with white people) or Grant Show.

I have a feeling I’d get stuck with Valerie Bertinelli playing me, though. And they’d probably try to make her all adorable when meeting a man so instead of immediately implying that his penis is probably small she manages to stick her foot in her mouth in a decidedly more cute/PC kind of way. And even though they are mortal enemies in the beginning she begins to see that he’s not such a bad guy and is actually the Sensitive and Caring man she has waited her entire life for. Plus he’s like rich and hot and secretly adopts puppies or something, when everyone knows if a guy is rich and hot then there is at least an 80% chance he’s a douche or is into threeways with some girl he picked up at a club when he told you he was hanging out with the guys.

Oh Valerie. Even you are luckier then I am. I get ditched by dudes who haven’t yet realized that Netflix is going to kill their job and you go on Jenny Craig and get all the guys. And here I am jealous of you and I just made up your story right now which is supposed to be the glamourized version of my story except sexier and cutier and with less sitting around and television watching. Well Val, you’re not stealing my thunder bitch. I live in LA. There will be plenty of douchebags, degenerates, semi professional drug dealers and random dudes to toss my hair at, insult or date in humiliating and debilitating fashion. I don’t need Lifetime when I have my social awkwardness to fall back on.