The 4 Worst Facebook Updaters

Facebook Updates. That wonderful creature that let’s you know when your aunt is having a burrito or your friend has finally lanced that boil.

But there are those Facebook friends that insist on using the Facebook Updates for evil. Here are the four types of Facebook updaters that are most annoying. Are you one of them?

1. Passive Aggressive Patty- this person uses Facebook as a secret tool to get back at their unseen frenemies. Their status updates go something like this- ‘How is it possible for someone to chew so loud?’, ‘Why is it so hard for people to put the toilet seat down?’ or ‘I can’t believe some people would stab me in the back and embarrass me, I would never do that to a friend.’ It’s brillant because instead of going to someone and letting them know that something they did bothers you, you can post a cryptic message about them on Facebook so everyone else can know that they pissed you off! And it’s awesome that you left out the name so everyone just has to guess! You can be both bitter and vague at the same time. Then you can wait to see if that person reads your status updates and feels the public shame for what they have done. Because they should. Oh yes, they should.

2. Downer Debby- This person doesn’t need a special secret someone to be mad at, they have the entire world! ‘Why does life suck so much?’ ‘Why is everything so awful?’ or they just use their alloted time to bitch about whatever’s on your mind. ‘Work sucks- again.’ ‘My husband is a dick.’ Or ‘God, people are stupid.’ Everyone can have a bad day but Downer Debby always has bad days and she wants everyone on Facebook to know about it! Instead of medicating like she probably should (Debby either you’re depressed or an asshole, which is it?) she uses the Facebook wall as therapy.

3. Trudy and Troy True Love- everyone knows this couple. They love each other. Like a lot. So much that they have to tell each other- a lot. And they could never just email or text or god forbid call the person to let them know. They need to express their love- on Facebook. Just in case you didn’t know they love each other. And miss each other if they haven’t hung out since lunch. And they need to let each other know how hot the other one is. Via Facebook. Because their love is REAL. And no one has ever loved like they LOVED, in the history of everything. And everyone on Facebook must know. Because it’s just not the same when you say it to someone’s face. Or in private.

4. Vague Velma- this combines the passive aggressive magic of number one with the life’s a bitch mentality of number two! Vague Velma has bad things happen- but she wants you to guess what they are. ‘Today has been a nightmare.’, ‘It’s so awful what happened,’ ‘Work was awful today.’ These updates allow everyone to crowd around and be like ‘what’s wrong?,’ ‘what happened?’ It’s like sharing your problems with 200 of your closest friends. And making them guess what they are. And then when you feel people have expressed the proper amount of concern you can let them know about that killer speeding ticket that’s really got you down today. Harrah! Group back pats for everyone.

Did your Facebook updates make the list? Did I leave someone off? Discuss in the comments.

John Hughes

Forget Michael Jackson. The man who shaped my childhood was John Hughes. Jackson may have had a monkey, best selling records and the nation’s attention but did he make it okay to give your panties to a geek? Did he write and direct some of the best teen movies ever and in my opinion some of the best movies ever, period? Did he turn Molly Ringwald from a regular girl to a popular girl to an independently not popular girl? Could he make it somehow okay to want to date Eric Stultz?

John Hughes made five teens sitting in detention over the course of one day into the best teen movie ever. From the Breakfast Club (my favorite), Weird Science, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Sixteen Candles, Some Kind of Wonderful and Pretty in Pink (not my favorite) he dominates the list of great teen movies.

John Hughes with you goes some of my childhood, endlessly quoting the Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles, (does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?). But that’s not really true. You may be gone but your movies are still hanging in there. Every time I need a happy ending, I know where to go.

Todd Sullivan- You’re a Closet Gay and Our 7 Minutes in Heaven Proves It

Todd Sullivan now I know why you wouldn't do seven minutes in heaven with me at Missy Parker’s birthday party- obviously you prefer dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But to make me think it was somehow my fault you didn’t want to make out? That’s just not right.

Recently I realized, after a rather ego debilitating encounter with a former college crush, that if a man doesn’t want to sleep with me, it’s probably because he’s gay.

And that goes for you too, Toddy. All these years I thought it might have been me but it’s really you. It wasn’t because I ‘weirdly talked to myself’ and ‘smelled like your grandma’s medicine cabinet.’ Does your grandma’s medicine cabinet smell awesome? Let’s face it Todd, a truly horny 14 year old boy would never allow those things to get in the way of coping a feel. You had the chance to go to second base and you missed out, fool! And I think we all know why.

Even though your Facebook page says married and in your wedding pictures that person does not look like a dude but a rather attractive woman, (willowy and blond Todd, way to go for the obvious choice) who are we kidding, really? (Ya, I saw it okay. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with people that I’m friends with if you want to keep these things from my prying eyes).

By 8^th grade I was about as developed as I was gonna get and you didn’t want a piece? Vaguely improbable. Mr. Bartell, the slighty sweaty English teaching assistant offered to buy me beer and it wasn’t because of my deep insights on Catcher in the Rye, okay? For the love of god Todd, did you think the crotch snaps on my body suits were comfortable? Yet I snapped those buttons shut everyday. Do you think it’s easy to make your bangs the perfect amount of fluffiness? Did I apply three shades of blue tint eye shadow for my health, Todd? No, I did all of those things to drive you to distraction, to make you wild for me.

And yet there we were, Missy Parker’s damp smelling downstairs storage basement, my lips perfectly greased up with Bonne Belle lip gloss (cherry) and you can’t even be bothered to try out a minute of the seven we should have spent groping each other in the dark. We just had to stand there, my body suit digging into my crotch. And later on when you went to the closet with Mindy Gainer and she came out all bitch ass smug face and a little red I knew you guys had probably just choreographed that so it looked like you were a stud.

I so would have let you get to second base too. I totally denied it when Scott Torino told everyone that I allowed him to ‘massage my fun bags’ but I’m a big fat liar because yes I did! Twice. Take that Todd. Take it all.

So anyway way to make me have to destroy all those perfectly nice doodles I did of ‘Mrs. Todd Sullivan, Mrs. D Sullivan, Mrs. D Toddy Sullivan’ ripped from my notebook into little pieces. I hope you’re happy.

Let’s stop pretending and just get out with it. You’re wife is not ‘the shining star in your life’ (you’re making it too easy Todd) as you claim but a fancy decoy. The truth will set you free. Do it for the future children Todd. And for the decency and respect of your wife, who in all honesty kind of looks like an uptight bitch. I can see these things through photos, Todd. Even if she’s crabby she still doesn’t deserve a gay husband.