A Little Relaxation

Dude, after a long day there's nothing I like better then going home, settling into my big fake fur blanket and chillin' in the buff with my booties and knit hat.

10 Signs You Might be a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

So you’ve broken up with a guy- maybe for the first time, maybe for the third time or maybe it’s just the third Thursday of the month and like clock work you’re calling it quits. In your heightened state of upset it’s hard to tell what’s right (moping), what’s wrong (setting fire to his clothes- while he’s wearing them), what’s normal (crying) and what isn’t (crying after having sex with his best friend and cousin in a twisted revenge threeway.)

Just to help give you a little guide to see where you fall on the Crazy Ex-Scale which runs from best ex ever to boiling bunnies, I have a handy list of 10 Signs You Might be a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The more you check off the more you should think about therapy.

1. You just happen to have his password after an intense monitoring program of his keystrokes and you think ‘checking’ his email to see if any other girls have contacted him is perfectly acceptable.
2. That includes checking all his social networking- Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and any other random site he’s on. (this is only half a point because even the most normal ex-girlfriend can’t help but look. But a full point if you check them more than three times a day or 20 times a week.)
3. You talk about what an a-hole your ex is so much that everyone knows every last tiny minutia of your break up, including your best friend, mother, his mother, your boss, co-workers, his co-workers, fellow gym members, your yoga instructor, that Indian guy at the Kwik Shop who doesn’t speak English so good but still ducks behind the counter when you come in and the smiley kid who gives you your coffee every morning but now acts like he’s deaf.
4. A really bad Lifetime movie could be made about you- where Dean Cain plays your ex-boyfriend and Tori Spelling is the new girlfriend and Tina Yothers plays you and ends up struggling with Tori over a knife on a balcony and Tina falls over the balcony and dies, ending in a final hugging scene between Tori and Dean while Tori is wrapped in a blanket with cop lights flashing behind her.
   
5. You told him you were pregnant, just to see him sweat. And then you forget it's a lie and started buying baby clothes. You keep drinking though.
   
6. His friends refer to you as 'that crazy bitch,' 'psycho', 'psycho whore face,' 'whoretron,''bitchtastic slutty boots,' or a combination of any of the following - psycho, crazy, stalker, stalker bitch, mentally deranged, certifiable and creepy.
   
7. No one finds that video you posted on YouTube of you repeatedly stabbing a voodoo doll of him funny. Obviously they just don't 'get' your sense of humor.
   
8. There was something about a restraining order but it was hard to tell if that guy was joking or not when he served you papers. He was kind of smirking.
9. Your boyfriend's new girlfriend has been known to hide under her car with her pepper spray out when she sees you coming. But that bitch is crazy.
   
10. Showing up in his bed naked didn't quite turn out the way you expected.