Todd Sullivan now I know why you wouldn't do seven minutes in heaven with me at Missy Parker’s birthday party- obviously you prefer dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But to make me think it was somehow my fault you didn’t want to make out? That’s just not right.
Recently I realized, after a rather ego debilitating encounter with a former college crush, that if a man doesn’t want to sleep with me, it’s probably because he’s gay.
And that goes for you too, Toddy. All these years I thought it might have been me but it’s really you. It wasn’t because I ‘weirdly talked to myself’ and ‘smelled like your grandma’s medicine cabinet.’ Does your grandma’s medicine cabinet smell awesome? Let’s face it Todd, a truly horny 14 year old boy would never allow those things to get in the way of coping a feel. You had the chance to go to second base and you missed out, fool! And I think we all know why.
Even though your Facebook page says married and in your wedding pictures that person does not look like a dude but a rather attractive woman, (willowy and blond Todd, way to go for the obvious choice) who are we kidding, really? (Ya, I saw it okay. Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with people that I’m friends with if you want to keep these things from my prying eyes).
By 8th grade I was about as developed as I was gonna get and you didn’t want a piece? Vaguely improbable. Mr. Bartell, the slighty sweaty English teaching assistant offered to buy me beer and it wasn’t because of my deep insights on Catcher in the Rye, okay? For the love of god Todd, did you think the crotch snaps on my body suits were comfortable? Yet I snapped those buttons shut everyday. Do you think it’s easy to make your bangs the perfect amount of fluffiness? Did I apply three shades of blue tint eye shadow for my health, Todd? No, I did all of those things to drive you to distraction, to make you wild for me.
And yet there we were, Missy Parker’s damp smelling downstairs storage basement, my lips perfectly greased up with Bonne Belle lip gloss (cherry) and you can’t even be bothered to try out a minute of the seven we should have spent groping each other in the dark. We just had to stand there, my body suit digging into my crotch. And later on when you went to the closet with Mindy Gainer and she came out all bitch ass smug face and a little red I knew you guys had probably just choreographed that so it looked like you were a stud.
I so would have let you get to second base too. I totally denied it when Scott Torino told everyone that I allowed him to ‘massage my fun bags’ but I’m a big fat liar because yes I did! Twice. Take that Todd. Take it all.
So anyway way to make me have to destroy all those perfectly nice doodles I did of ‘Mrs. Todd Sullivan, Mrs. D Sullivan, Mrs. D Toddy Sullivan’ ripped from my notebook into little pieces. I hope you’re happy.
Let’s stop pretending and just get out with it. You’re wife is not ‘the shining star in your life’ (you’re making it too easy Todd) as you claim but a fancy decoy. The truth will set you free. Do it for the future children Todd. And for the decency and respect of your wife, who in all honesty kind of looks like an uptight bitch. I can see these things through photos, Todd. Even if she’s crabby she still doesn’t deserve a gay husband.
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