Sexual Camel

For the past year or so, besides the, you know, urinating part, my vagina has been mostly for decoration. It’s like one of those fancy attachments on the vacuum that never gets used. I mean you would use it, if there was a call for it, like if someone actually turned on the vacuum and started cleaning you might attach that sucker and go to town. Sadly no one has gotten near my vacuum in quite some time. Had I known the last time I had sex was going to be THE LAST TIME I HAD SEX, I might have appreciated it a little more. Baked my ass a cake to celebrate. If I knew Blockbuster guy – good old what’s his face would have been my last time (and I don’t feel I’m being too dramatic here when I say- EVER) I would have cherished the moments. Probably would have learned his last name at least. Or his first name correctly. Although when you say like a year why do people get all ‘damn’ like you just told them you don’t wash your hands after going to the bathroom or that your mother is also your half sister. Am I just supposed to be randomly hooking up to make sure that my numbers stay balanced? Are other single people running out to do it every two months just so they don’t look pathetic? Do they have a speed dial of booty calls on stand by that I’m unaware of?

Not that I haven’t been out on dates. There have been dates. Bad, bad dates. Note to guys- S&M should not be brought up as a fun after dinner activity on the first date. That’s better suited for a fourth, possibly third date. And only after you’ve tested the waters. Ask if she likes leather. Maybe point to a dog collar and say ‘that’s an attractive accessory.’ Only if she agrees that leather is awesome and dog collars look good on anyone should you try to inch your way towards bondage. Just a friendly tip.

Also it’s not cool to comment on how much a girl can ‘pack away.’ Or saying that ‘you eat more then I do.’ Maybe you should eat something besides a salad with a light vinagerette, bitch. At least order some real dressing. Besides who cares if I can eat all my dinner and dessert? Are you trying to give me an eating disorder? Because honestly it’s not gonna work, I hate puking and going without a meal is not an option. Still, it’s annoying.

I’m beginning to feel like one of those sad Lifetime ladies, you know who I’m talking about. Not the ones who find out their husband is a secret psycho killer or who get some obscure law about jaywalkers passed because a jaywalker killed their grandma or whose daughter is a teenage pregnant hussie. The new Lifetime ladies, the forty year old dried up women who is just pathetic because she is MANLESS and ALONE but manages to get her mojo back by dating some age inappropriate hottie (even though it kind of looks like they just remade that Stella Grove movie except with white people) or Grant Show.

I have a feeling I’d get stuck with Valerie Bertinelli playing me, though. And they’d probably try to make her all adorable when meeting a man so instead of immediately implying that his penis is probably small she manages to stick her foot in her mouth in a decidedly more cute/PC kind of way. And even though they are mortal enemies in the beginning she begins to see that he’s not such a bad guy and is actually the Sensitive and Caring man she has waited her entire life for. Plus he’s like rich and hot and secretly adopts puppies or something, when everyone knows if a guy is rich and hot then there is at least an 80% chance he’s a douche or is into threeways with some girl he picked up at a club when he told you he was hanging out with the guys.

Oh Valerie. Even you are luckier then I am. I get ditched by dudes who haven’t yet realized that Netflix is going to kill their job and you go on Jenny Craig and get all the guys. And here I am jealous of you and I just made up your story right now which is supposed to be the glamourized version of my story except sexier and cutier and with less sitting around and television watching. Well Val, you’re not stealing my thunder bitch. I live in LA. There will be plenty of douchebags, degenerates, semi professional drug dealers and random dudes to toss my hair at, insult or date in humiliating and debilitating fashion. I don’t need Lifetime when I have my social awkwardness to fall back on.